It has been hard to get motivated to write during the COVID19 pandemic. My mind is all over the place with questions, concerns, and inundated with information that is fake, too liberal, or too conservative. Social media doesn’t make things any better with violent displays of hate, sadness, and a slight glimmer happiness every now and then with a puppy or showing of human kindness. Since the lock-down began on March 20th for me in the SF bay area in California, my mind has been focused on staying safe, making checklists, adjusting my lifestyle, while still trying to maintain a certain level of mental health. However, there is one recurring theme that is still haunting my brain, and maybe writing about it will get this whirlwind of emotions out of my head. The unsettling reality is that one again, I am faced with the reality of mortality. 

Now, mind you, that my first experience with this was back in 2009 when Tony was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (A.L.L.). We did not have a sense of a terminal diagnosis right away. That came after we were notified of the particular gene he had that made the cancer more aggressive and after he relapsed after having a bone marrow transplant. Even then, it was only a matter of weeks that we were able to prepare emotionally. Also, I am very aware that not everyone who is diagnosed with COVID19 faces mortality. I think the connection in my mind is the fact that there is even a slight possibility of death after contraction makes me very uneasy. 

“A.L.L. is not a common cancer, accounting for less than half of 1% of all cancers in the United States.” (www.americancancersociety.org). The fact that this very, very rare cancer affected my life, hit me right between the eyes, is a wake-up call that no-one is immune. Anyone out there who has had to endure a ‘tragedy’ or an ‘extraordinary life-changing event’ can tell you that the outside world will never understand the level of pain, caution, and changed perspective on life unless it has directly happened to you. Maybe this is why I am so cautious right now about my physical health and mental health. Because I never thought the worst could happen to me, but it DID. Let that sink in. 

Now, when revisiting feelings about the high death rate from complications due to COVID19, you will hear a common trend, “I didn’t think it would happen to me.” I am here to tell you that it CAN. However, this post isn’t about beating you with COVID19 stats or trying to persuade you to believe it. What this post is about my friends: is understanding that death is a reality that too many of us ignore. We wake up every morning and take for granted that we can open our eyes and see our loved-ones for breakfast. We get dressed and start our ‘to do’ list for the day without another thought. We make our plans, goals, and dreams for the future without even realizing just how lucky we are to alive today. 

I don’t know about ya’ll, but for me, thinking about death is pretty damn scary. I watched Tony exhale his last breath, and it is embedded in my brain for life. Can you imagine feeling your body grow cold, your sight go black, and not know where you will end up at the end of the tunnel? It terrifies me. However, before I mentally go into a dark place thinking about the physical changes of death, I have to remind myself that this is also something beautifully transcendental about it. The fact that we can make an impact by our death, by what we do in our lives today,  should not be taken lightly. We have the ability to live on. It’s quite remarkable really, how our actions today will determine how the people in the world perceive our memory.

Romans 8:12-13 “So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh— for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” Let me ask you, as a living, breathing, actionable person on the earth today: Is what you are doing today making a difference for when you are gone? How will your children, your brothers, sisters, parents, remember you? Are your behaviors and actions going to be remembered happily? Or in disdain? 

If you are not a religious person, I get it. So try this, “Ineffective people live day after day with unused potential.” (Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). Is that how you want to live your life? Day in and day out with unused potential? The second ‘habit’ in this book states to “begin with the end in mind”. The point of this chapter is to figure out what motivates you. What are your priorities as a human, not as a machine? Those are the principles that should be strived for every day. Those priorities are what should motivate you to do better and to be better. 

I write all this because of the underlying theme that you have all heard before; it is so cliche that I just have to use it, “we are not guaranteed tomorrow”. Now that I have said it, take a few minutes and let it truly sink in. What if you didn’t wake up tomorrow? What if the world had to remember you as you are today? With the actions that you did yesterday? Is that social media post the one you want to be remembered by? Is that text to your mom or dad the one you want them to remember for the rest of their lives? Is that fight the one you want to have relived over and over by the other person in regret? The true answers to these thoughts require deep and thoughtful self-analysis. It’s easy to read these questions and say, “ya, I am good” because that mentality is less painful; it requires less effort. 

I hope that by reflecting on the impact you have made on the world today, that it’s the one you wanted. Even for me. What will I leave with the world? A lousy blog talking about ‘doing better?’ Will my loved ones remember me for what I stand for? What can I do better to make my imprint on the world around me and humanity as a whole? I am not looking for affirmation or direction on any of this; it’s my self-analysis. 

I suppose that the take-away from this is that today, we need to strive to TRULY be a better person than we were yesterday. To TRULY live by our foundational principals today. To write the memory we want for others when we are gone. Maybe then, when our last day comes, our souls will be ready.