How I found myself hating God and what happened when I turned from Him. 

“Sometimes life requires more of you than you have to give & demands you plunge into the reinvention of yourself if you truly wanna live.”― Curtis Tyrone Jones

Those who grew up with me know how important my religion was. I went to church every Sunday, was involved with Sunday school, and as a Catholic, went through all the sacraments: baptism, first communion, etc. I was heavily involved with not only the organized Catholic church but also heavily involved in a deep, personal relationship with God. I felt that he listened to me and answered many of my prayers. However, after Tony died, all of that changed. 

As you can imagine, there were so many questions I had during that time of my life. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What did Tony do to deserve this? Couldn’t there have been another way? You are all-powerful, why can’t you save him? And more ‘why’ questions. I asked God all of these questions with many prayers in the hospital and on Tony’s final days. Through it all, I never heard one peep from God. No questions were answered, no miracles were seen, and it created an anger in me towards God that I have never had before. 

There were many nights of crying, of anger, of yelling at God, and quite honestly, I even cursed at Him regularly. Yes, the devoted Catholic, the prayerful child of God, hated Him. I punched walls, kicked doors, sobbed into pillows, all out of hate for what God was making me go through. The problem was, there was not a physical presence of someone to be angry at. I couldn’t call or text or slam the door on someone. I cursed into the air, closed Him off from my mind, and in my heart. 

I know many other folks who have done the same thing after something like this happens in their life. It’s quite easy to lose faith. God has a tendency not to show up when we ask Him to, or in the way we want, or in the time-frame we ask Him to. God’s presence is on His terms, and it’s downright frustrating. That is why it is so easy to turn on Him. In fact, it is quite natural. Who wants a one-sided relationship? He never answered me. Never showed His presence, good or bad. It showed me He didn’t care. 

In this absence, I found a strangely gratifying opportunity for self-discovery. I had to rely on myself, my analysis, to answer many of the questions. I was able to answer some of them; others, not so much. I was able to get rid of relationships that hurt me without following the ‘love thy neighbor’ rule. I was able to engross myself in ‘sins of the flesh’ that I never did before (drinking, sex etc.) and grow from those experiences without the guilt of being a bad person. I practiced different techniques that were ‘unholy’ according to the church. This included learning about meditation and other spiritual practices of self-care. All these things that I never would have done or learned because I was told not to. I was even able to identify why I needed God in the first place. 

Listen, I am not saying that one has to turn their back on God for self-exploration, and in future posts, you will hear about why I came back to Him. However, what I am saying that it’s good to question and grow. It is okay to be angry with Him and have doubts. It’s okay to question the dogma of organized religion that we fall prey to. It’s okay to question if he is really there, omnipresent, or all-powerful. Without asking the important questions to God and yourself, you will never have the answers. 

Here’s the thing: one cannot paint a better picture on a canvas that is already occupied. Without me being so pissed at God, and turning on Him, I would never have realized what I know today. I have a better understanding of my heart, mind, and behaviors. I have better acceptance of the things that happen to me. I finally have a sense of the ‘bigger picture’ in the universe and my place in it. Do I like it? No. Do I know how it will all end? No. But am I okay with not having control of what happens around me? Yes. I don’t have a choice. That was the internal peace I had to find on my own.