One of the hardest parts of losing someone is wondering what’s next on many levels, especially relationships. Do I continue to talk to their friends or family? I am so close to their family now, will that change? Will it hurt to continue to speak with their family? Will they want to talk to me? These are all relevant and very hard questions to answer. Not all situations are the same, but again, the following post is about why I continued engagement with Tony’s family. 

Sometimes, you are forced to put your full trust in someone and hope they won’t let you down. During the year of chemotherapy, we were truly a family going through turbulence. We were all at an elevated emotional state, and the smallest thing was a huge emotional trigger for an outpouring of tears or a flurry of anger.

However, through it all, every-single-one of us contributed something to the journey, and we all knew what each of our roles was. Tony’s was the hardest, he just had to live, but we were all behind him, carrying him through. There was research, doctor’s appointments, fundraising, ordering the meds, asking the doctors questions, meals, cleaning, transportation, bills, all of these things to ‘live’ in a world where none of us knew what the outcome would be, takes a team. It takes a cancer-hating, Tony-loving, life-fighting team, and if anyone who has ever been on a team, you know that you are all in it to the very end.

Even after Tony passed, the end hadn’t come. Just as if you develop life-long friendships and relationships with people you train with, or go to school with, or work with, sometimes certain people just get you. Those are the ones you want to keep around. Those are the ones that you call for advice, and those are the ones you call to cry with. Whether the development of that kind of relationship is developed out of necessity or chance, it is something that you don’t want to let go of. Basically, people who are simply good people are those you wish to continue to know, so why end it?

The continued relationship may be odd or different or ‘unhealthy’ to some people, but what do they know? It is not until one has been through something like this for them to understand. I lost so many good friends, those who couldn’t handle it, who I thought would be with me through it all. It hurt losing them, and it still hurts. However, the relationships that WERE developed through this are the strongest I have ever had in my life.

However, I am certainly aware of relationships that are much different, more complicated, and even hateful. Here is how I would gauge whether or not to keep communicating with their family. Are you friends with them outside of the connecting contact you had? Would this be someone you would invite to Sunday Brunch? Do they bring you joy? If the answer is yes, keep it.

If you don’t know, you have time. No one is forcing you to make a decision tomorrow, or next week, or even next year. Some relationships fizzle out naturally or develop naturally. Follow the natural progression of things, because it will all work out. I promise.